everybody poops.

monday morning i got my form letter from the farm, thanking me for my application and explaining that they receive so much interest that they just can't accomodate us all. i stayed in bed an extra hour, then shed a few tears (which felt overly dramatic), then thanked whatever karmic power there is that i hadn't quit my job pre-emptively.

it is now wedensday, and i'm back to thinking job-quitting is the best plan. every time i start to dig into these interests, or leaf through other peoples passions (photo blogs, cooking blogs, stories of interests-turned-full-time-occupation -- anything inspiring i can find on the internet) i realize a few things:

• everyone fails a time or ten;
• awesome things dont generate themselves. they take thought, effort, and deliberate action.
• if you spend all your time doing something not awesome, your time for doing awesome stuff will be inadequate.
• networks?

anyways. i wouldn't want to become one of those people who feels too entitled. there is probably something good about not being accepted as a glamorous, well fed, italian farmer.

too much talking, back to brainstorming.

DECEMBER!

good news:
bourbon and hot cider,
dresses and tights,
feasts and friends,
decisions and changes,
fireplaces and cozies,
visits and plans.

I kept telling myself that my 27th year was going to be amazing, then I realized that technically i have finished 27 years and am starting on my 28th. So, i dont know how i feel about that. but the point remains, that the next twelve months will be rife with excitement and purpose. even if i have to force it a bit. excitement and purpose dont just invite themselves over, you know.

must.

it always ebbs and flows like this, with calm times, followed by eye gouging boredom and loneliness, followed by frustration and self inflicted powerlessness. it all explodes with a flurry of conversations and attempted change, and then starts over again.

just work and eat and sleep and workout and repeat? eye gouging.

i need to just start reaching out to people. i dont know why i wait for things to come to me. must make that energy in myself. must fucking do something.

must travel.

must find people to travel with.

make the most of all this time thats flyin by.

f.

i certainly feel like i am some kind of retarded.

negativewordsabound

not really sure what i’m doing with this manmystery. don’t know why i vest any further energies in it. guess i want closure, or a slap in the face…which it sort of feels like i regularly get. i suppose i already got closure too, in the form of a ‘i don’t really care about vesting myself in this relationship’ message. perhaps i am ridiculous.

truthfully, i don’t know what’s going on with me. i’m dragging in the teariest, sluggiest way. all there has been this week is work and sleep, and it’s such a wretched feeling to wrestle every day. Is it weird that I just want SOMEONE there to enjoy? perhaps i am not doing this right.

seasounds

crazy bulgy headache. TEHAS is minutes away; i only hope that my energy and excitement is adequate. this should be a reunion of giggly, warm and delightful proportions.

my mind keeps playing with the idea of attitude. i’m trying to work myself into a place where complaints don’t flow so readily, and my sights are set on what makes me feel warm inside. it’s tough sometimes. it’s confusing sometimes. how does a girl know when it’s time to leave one path and jump on another? how does a girl know if she has the drive and will and determination to make something work? maybe it needs to be more about maximizing the current circumstances, rather than complete upheaval and re-invention. I am me on any of these paths….what am i leaving as i walk them that will make for awesome memories when i look back?

sweetsavasana

i have high hopes that i'll make my 30 times in 30 days. Only challenges being: texas and halloween.


career. free bird. goals in fog. man frustrations. yoga. yoga. yoga. early to bed. energy. efficiency. where do i want to be?

stuff just keeps happening. there really isn't anything to worry about.

infinite random thoughts

consider getting masters?

why are you talking to me

?

again

If I regarded my life from the point of view of the pessimist, I should be undone. I should seek in vain for the light that does not visit my eyes and the music that does not ring in my ears. I should beg night and day and never be satisfied. I should sit apart in awful solitude, a prey to fear and despair. But since I consider it a duty to myself and to others to be happy, I escape a misery worse than any physical deprivation.

helen keller

helen keller

It is for us to pray not for tasks equal to our powers, but for powers equal to our tasks, to go forward with a great desire forever beating at the door of our hearts as we travel toward our distant goal.


...somehow, this is relevant.

5 weeks was supposed to be the marker

and then i passed 6, and it was, well, goin okay. and then i got a stupid email that set my brain on fire again.

yoga today was intense. like i was physically pushing the sour emotions out of my body. i wish i could have let them spill out a bit more, but it just wasn't the place for that kind of crumpling. i think it was good, none the less.

so.

now the questions are, how do i get him out of my head? and how do i go about filling my time and space with fun people that make me feel good? i certainly have read those god damn emails enough times to know there is nothing more left to understand.

outside the male dramas: i have typed the resignation letter, but of course am still unsure about giving it to them. i have filled out the farm app. i'm back to regular yoga-ing. i baked some cupcakes. and its gourd season. color me joyful.

letgo.

walking along wacker i realized: i am J is A is me. it kinda sucked.

the smartest people remember 5th grade

I’ve found that smart people, who are good teachers, are quick to slow it down and write it out step by step. Even for what seems like the simplest of problems. I want to be one of these people.

USD/AUD = .85/1

(756,868.77)USD/?AUD X .85/1

(756,868.77/.85=AUD/1

890,433.85AUD/1


cross multiplication. i miss 5th grade.

""

"it's weird how you go from being strangers to being friends to being more than friends...then back to being practically strangers again."

love

just to remind myself:

There is only one way to really get over someone who you have been in love with, and that is to become another person. This is really the only reason why people fall out of love with each other. The fights, and tantrums, the small and big flaws (she makes that noise when she chews, he has no ambition) are never enough to really make you fall out of love. Feel betrayed, or irritated or angry, yes. But falling out of love requires a shift of perspective, and thus, shift of desire. Like looking at an old shirt and thinking, ‘God, how could I have ever thought that was cool?’ Sometimes we do it together, each person growing and changing till you turn around and look at each other and know that’s it, except for nostalgia. Sometimes it happens while you are still together, whether you want it to or not, and it hurts like hell, wishing you were still capable of being that person you used to be, the one who fell in love, the one your lover fell in love with. Sometimes it doesn’t happen till a long, long time afterwards, and there is still the three-in-the-morning ache, the in-jokes with their pointed poignancy, the missing.

We are like jigsaw puzzle pieces made out of modeling clay, firm and fixed in our outlines as long as we fit together, variable lumps otherwise. You reshape your edges and become something new, a tab where there used to be a hole, straight where you were once curved, and everything changes.

more lessons

Rule no. 3: limit I’m sorry’s

Rule no. 4: don’t say you’re boring

Rule no. 5: give the dog a bath, regularly

J

Can’t help but notice the period of blank space below, which was filled with real life excitement…I met a boy who inspired me to want things, but the power of wanting doesn’t outweigh the power of time. So it ended almost as fast as it started. Maybe, if it actually was as right as it felt, it will all make its way back to order some day. For now, I’m trying to be the person who is calm, accepting, and forward-looking. Sometimes, when you feel trapped in a cream-colored-windowless-office-space-prison, it’s harder to exhibit these characteristics than it should be.

I don’t want to feel foolish. I don’t want to miss opportunities. I want to do this right.

wanton

Time and space and deep breaths. I continuously find myself wanting more of all of these. and yet, somehow, I know I could be focusing that energy on maximizing the time and space and deep breaths that I am already lucky enough to have.

stolen

I found the following happiness formula on one of my favorite yoga blogs, Julia Lee Yoga, and had to share it on Daily Cup of Yoga. I love how each step builds upon the other.
1. Commitment
In every life you are meant to commit. That is why the word is commit-meant. Commitment gives you character.
2. Character
Character is when all your characteristics – all facets, flaws and facts – are under your control. Yin and yang meet there, totally balanced. Character gives you dignity.
3. Dignity
People start trusting you, liking you, respecting you. Dignity will give you divinity.
4. Divinity
Divinity is when people have no duality about you. They trust you right away. They have no fear about you. Divinity gives you grace.
5. Grace
Where there is grace, there is no interference, no gap between two people, no hidden agenda. Grace gives you the power to sacrifice.
6. Sacrifice
You can stand in any pain for that person. That sacrifice gives you happiness.
7. Happiness
You should make yourself so happy, that by looking at you, other people become happy.”~ Yogi Bhajan
NAMASTE!

take care

minds are tricky, tricky things.

still haven’t worked on the bike (fail). accomplished a medium amount of yoga in my 2 month time frame (medium success). finally have a shower (!). setting up to talk w/ some new ears/mouths about future plans. today K and D. tomorrow, ?.

summer in the northwest is a bit like a drug. i’ve got the a minor case of the shakies thinking about how much i’m not ready for it to disappear, not even 2 months from now.

can a negative person become a positive one?

can a sane person be crazy only with one person?

AMIDOINTHISRIGHT?

bfst

We made a team breakfast, moved the table outside, and basked in the sun while eating gravy biscuits.

I’ve been on the upside of seasonal affective disorder, completely chipper and wiggly and satisfied by the sun. I don’t even have S.A.D, but I’m pretty sure I have just the upside of it when these sunshiny weeks blast through.

Crushes and summer and sleep ins and stuff. I like it.

.e.e.e.

T’s right, we all do seem to be waiting for some undefined thing to happen. Like thats when our real path begins. Why is that? And what is bad about it?
Also, travel.eat.getpaid seems to be tugging on the heartstrings of so many not.quite.satisfied 20somethings. Why have none of us figured out how to turn this into a viable life supporting business structure?

logic

Rule no. 1: like the boy you date.

Rule no. 2: date a boy who likes you.

If either rule is broken, start over.

confetti

work
save
exercise
eat
play
plan
voyage
organize
develop
smile
share
sleep
worry
build
harm
cringe
hug
wish
want
need
desire
waste
give
take
have
lack

circle back.
circle up.
pick and chose.
breathe.

its all the same in the end

"never let the truth ruin a good story"

sunshine motivation

set plans in motion, and their momentum will carry you through the grey months.

lemonaide.

i successfully sucked it up, and got rid of my case of the sours. today is looking better.

this morning was my 6th day in a row at hot yoga (!). although half of the credit actually goes to the fact that we currently have no shower at home, and if i wish to wash my hair i must go, i'm still feeling accomplished. running has been impossible since the half marathon (for which i failed to appropriately train, and consequently caused some kind of ruckus in my knee). being that running is my workout and stress reliever of choice, i was feeling pretty frustrated. i think the yogs is going to help though. increased flexibility and increased core strength have got to be steps in the right direction. not to mention, after only 2.5 years at a desk job, i can already tell i have the tight hips of an old person. ridiculous. the battle against muscle ailments is on!

dave's coming up from PDX this weekend, and i'm going to L.A. for work on sunday. summer days speed by. sun is out, and i'm in a windowless room. back to work now, so i can escape and enjoy some vitamin D before the day is over.

BLAHBLAHBLAHWASTEDTIME

FEELING SO SOUR. BEING SO UNPRODUCTIVE. get me outta here.

snoozin and scootin

i have a goal and it looks a little like this:

boom.

had a moment of morning clarity.

maybe it's because I bought 4 extra ounces of coffee, or because I awesomely managed to wake up again for 6AM yoga. or, maybe it's because I think about quitting my job, like, 78% of the day, and a moment of clarity is bound to peak through the standard heavy and tangled up thoughts.

regardless of the reason, here is the point: when I quit, I quit. I dont need to have a perfectly predetermined path towards career greatness. I'll have some money, I'll have some time, and I'll figure it out.

boom.

counting

I have had this job for 900 days as of today.